


Orange Like A Flickering Flame

by greygerbil



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Felix Alexius Lives, M/M, Pining, Pining for your fuck buddy who definitely wants you back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 10:31:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20946890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greygerbil/pseuds/greygerbil
Summary: Felix figured that three years apart and a narrow turn at death's door would be enough to get over Dorian. He was wrong.





	Orange Like A Flickering Flame

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Asymptotical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asymptotical/gifts).

Felix considered himself a tolerably reasonable man. He’d accepted that he was barely a mage and that enough of his relatives would have preferred him dead because of it, that he would never be able to speak to his parents the way their apprentices did because the world they loved was closed to him. Later, he’d come to terms with the facts that he’d been too weak to protect his mother, that the taint would kill him, and that he would have to risk causing his own father’s death if that was what it took to stop him. The latter two had been averted, one by an elven apostate’s curious wisdom, the other by the Inquisitor’s mercy, but Felix had been prepared for the likelier outcomes.

So considering he’d been able to swallow some really bitter medicine in his time, why had he never been able to say no to Dorian?

Felix knew well that it would have been better for his peace of mind if they were only friends. Even back then – before the taint – he’d been in love with Dorian, though he knew his had only been one of the beds Dorian had frequented. They were good friends and that was a relationship Felix hadn’t been willing to compromise with any confessions, for Dorian was funny and sharp and skilled and a lot kinder than he himself would ever admit, a man whose company he didn’t want to miss. Dorian could make you feel like the only other person in the world when the bedroom door was closed, so that had been enough to fool himself.

You’d think almost three years apart would bury such an old flame – Felix had –, but when they spoke again for the first time, hiding behind a collapsed mill that looked over Redcliffe, it had felt like it had only been yesterday when they last talked. Felix had sneaked home with his heart leaping like a fleeing rabbit’s. Of course, Dorian was also around for the long nights in which Felix clung to life with only his fingertips after Solas had administered his cure, always a shadow in the corner, and the first day that Felix was strong enough to walk around Skyhold, he came back to find Dorian sitting on his bed.

The chance to make a break was right there, sensibly presenting itself for this new stage of Felix’s life, this second chance he’d been granted, but Dorian grinned at him and Felix took his face in his hands and kissed him.

Dorian embraced him as they laid down, completely heedless of Felix’s emaciated frame, the scars left by a hundred ill-fated treatments, the fact that the dark curls that Dorian used to praise and play with were shaved down to stubble as the taint had caused them to fall out in bushels. When Felix pulled Dorian close with all the feeble strength at his command, skin to skin, filling his lungs with his scent, feeling him pushing into him, he remembered for the first time in years that his body had the potential to be something else but a diseased thing fit only to be prodded at and regarded with disquieted caution. With Dorian’s lips on his he was alive again.

Felix never said no to him after that, either.

-

The Inquisition had helped Felix stop his father, provided him with a cure and a place to stay and while Solas did consider him an interesting case to study, Felix wanted to be helpful in more ways than that. He found himself in Lady Montilyet’s office as soon as his mental faculties had somewhat returned to what they used to be, allowing him to focus on a task for more than a few minutes before he grew weary.

“Turns out most people don’t join a pilgrimage to a radical religious faction to work in administration,” Felix told Dorian, when he had returned from his latest journey with the Inquisitor and had asked Felix what he had been up to. “Lady Montilyet is short a few hands in that department. She assigned me to keep an eye on finances.”

“Won’t you get bored? The last time we spoke about your exploits with numbers, you were about a hundred scribbled pages into advanced research of polyhedra in stereometry,” Dorian asked, leaning back in the great chair he’d had someone drag up here to his favourite spot in the tower, where all the bookcases were. Felix sat perched on the armrest. 

“You were involved in high-level thaumaturgic research and now you spend a lot of time making fireballs,” he gave back.

Dorian chuckled. “Point taken. I guess you do what you have to – though I will say the demons trying to kill me make all the fireball-throwing very exciting.” He hesitated for a moment. “Speaking of research, have you gone to your father?”

Felix sipped from the cup of wine Dorian had handed him. “Yes, a few times. It’s difficult to be around him, though.”

“You tell me. I still haven’t worked up the nerve to speak to him,” Dorian admitted. “I wouldn’t know what to say.”

“I know my father would be glad to see you, but whether that means you should go to him or not, I can’t say,” Felix said, shaking his head. “But I understand if you don’t want to. I still can’t believe what he’s done, and I’m also angry at him for things he _hasn’t_ actually done yet and now hopefully never will, and I only know those from the stories you told me.”

“The image of you cowering on the ground by his feet like a confused dog doesn’t help, no, aside from all the other pleasant impressions from the future,” Dorian murmured before he gave a long-suffering sigh. “But Gereon is probably still the reason I didn’t die at twenty with a knife in my throat in the dirtiest room of a Minrathous brothel, missing my boots and my purse. He was a good mentor, too.”

“I know what you mean. I can’t forgive his involvement with the Venatori, but Maker knows most magister fathers probably wouldn’t have put as much effort into a son like me as he did. I know some who might have opened a window for my grandfather’s assassins to slip in.”

Dorian snorted.

“It seems like even the few magister fathers who like their children find some way to screw it up in the end. Truly remarkable.”

Felix gave Dorian an commiserating glance. Dorian had already told him of the things that had happened between him and his father after he left Felix’s own father’s tutelage. While Felix had a choice between men and women, equally drawn to both, Dorian did not. His father had not taken well to the news.

“Tell me about the Hinterlands,” Felix said because he could see Dorian had withdrawn too far to say anything else on the other matter. He couldn’t blame him. Tevinter had never encouraged him to show much of himself. Words failed here; perhaps Dorian would have enjoyed a hug and a kiss instead, but a friend couldn’t offer those so easily without giving too much away.

“Well, what do you think Fereldan farmland is like? You probably had a more exciting time here contemplating cabbage orders.”

Dorian found his smile again as he started talking and Felix chest grew warm even as it tightened.

-

One advantage of life in Tevinter had been that Felix had rarely had to see the other men that Dorian visited, as he conducted these matters away from the Alexius household. Of course, there would always be some hapless nobleman or student of the Circle of Magi at every function who Dorian had clearly wrapped around his finger, but for the most part, Felix could shut his heart to the truth, even if his mind still was aware.

Perhaps it was just right that this wasn’t possible here, forcing him to lift the veil he’d purposefully been hiding behind. In the south, men were not so clandestine about their affections. Several of the Inquisition agents were obviously intrigued by Dorian, even as they whispered about dangerous magisters. The Iron Bull and him traded barbs so openly sexual that Felix struggled not to blush as he remembered that Dorian had always joked that the war with the qunari was a shame for separating Tevinter people so decisively from their handsomely built kind. There was the Inquisitor himself, too, a spirited human mage with a good sense of humour and iron will who obviously enjoyed to have Dorian by his side. The fact that those two were also very close to what Felix knew to be Dorian’s taste – muscular warriors instead of a sickly bureaucrat like himself – only spoiled his mood further when he undressed for Dorian, wondering if the meagre stamina of his recuperating body would be enough to please Dorian as he wanted it. But besides such superficialities, the Bull and the Inquisitor and even those agents swarming into all corners of the world on the Inquisition’s orders were the ones who were going through the horrors and wonders that Dorian would only talk to him about after. Felix had no place on a battlefield.

What was between them was obviously going to come to an end soon. And yet, when Dorian looped his arms around his neck from behind as he sat at his desk and whispered in his ear, Felix did whatever he asked, as if he’d heard an enchanted melody.

-

“Dorian’s suggestion to take you here really was quite brilliant. I did not hope to get so many inroads with Orlesian academia tonight.”

Felix gave Lady Montilyet a friendly smile as he glanced at the Empress, who stood with her cousin at the head of the ball room.

“I was only here for two years, but an exchange student from Tevinter was a novelty, so I managed to make some contacts. Now that the realm can grow stable, they might even be worth something..”

“Certainly. Everyone’s attention was divided. I still don’t know how the Inquisitor got the Empress and Gaspard to work together – and what happened with the duchess! I cannot _wait_ to hear the details!” Lady Montilyet said excitedly.

Nodding, Felix craned his neck. Dorian, looking a little tousled but otherwise no worse for the wear, had disappeared between the wildly chattering nobles again. Felix could have done the same, but he had already talked so much tonight – on Lady Montilyet’s behest as well as to explain away the periodical absences of the Inquisitor and his companions – that his throat was dry and his attention waning in a way that made him feel unfit for conversation with Orlesian players of the game. He wanted to know more of tonight’s events, too, and had hoped that Dorian would indulge him, but he was likely enjoying the party after having to spend most of the evening trying to fix the upper echelons of Orlesian society.

Felix excused himself from Lady Montilyet’s side and made his way through the crowd onto the balcony. The wind embraced him in a cold rush. He hadn’t noticed how stifling the air had grown inside. Quiet music and the buzz of conversation followed him as he walked to the other end of the balcony, away from the windows, and allowed himself to close his eyes for a moment, feeling how they burned from the candle smoke.

“That uniform looks rather good on you.”

Felix straightened, smiling involuntarily as he recognised the voice.

“It looks better on you,” he said, glancing over his shoulder.

“Well, yes, but I’m uncommonly handsome, so it’s no shame not to be able to compete.” Grinning, Dorian sidled up to him. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m just making conversation and dancing with a few old acquaintances. I doubt my evening was as stressful as yours.”

“I don’t know, it was an Orlesian ball. I might almost prefer brawls in the court gardens to that.” Dorian brushed a speck of dust off his uniform’s sleeve. “It would be a shame to leave a party and not have danced once, though.”

“Not like you at all,” Felix agreed.

Dorian offered him his hand. “Indeed. You have to help me out here. I have an image to maintain.”

Felix couldn’t count the times that he had fallen willingly into Dorian’s bed and stayed there until his world was spinning and he was in danger of forgetting his name. As he stared down at his extended hand now, though, a dance outside of a ball room somewhere in the Orlesian countryside suddenly seemed like the one thing that would be able to break his heart for good.

He took it despite that, expecting the sudden desperation to be blown away at Dorian’s touch as it always was, a fleeting but powerful comfort. However, as they started to move, holding on to each other’s hands and shoulders with the chastity noble dancers were supposed to display, Felix looked into his beautiful bright eyes, felt Dorian’s hand curl around his, and suddenly something tipped over. Even the certainty of rejection couldn’t possibly be as painful as this.

He squeezed Dorian’s hand and stepped away, out of his reach.

“When we are done here, we should talk.”

“That sounds serious,” Dorian said, and though he did so with a smile, Felix heard the disquiet.

“Yes,” he said simply.

-

The Inquisition had taken up residence in a small inn where Felix and Dorian had agreed to share a room and bed as friends, even as Lady Montilyet had been quite apologetic about the lack of space. Though Felix knew the night would be exceedingly awkward, he did not regret it now. This made it easier not to flee from the conversation.

They were still in their uniforms as they closed the door behind themselves, having walked straight from the carriages that had brought them back.

“Alright, you have my undivided attention,” Dorian said, spreading his arms.

“Just because you don’t want to sleep in the hallway,” Felix guessed.

“I did consider it. What do you think the Inquisitor would say? I have found explanations to talk me out of more compromising situations than that. At least no one would be on top of me this time...”

Felix smiled. He had always considered Dorian a much more charming and personable man than himself, someone who could steer a conversation as easily as an experienced captain a ship, but if there was one strength Felix had over him, it was that he could resist the temptation of drifting away into jokes. He should have made use of it much sooner.

“I don’t want to draw it out. I need to tell you that I don’t think we should sleep together anymore,” he said, clasping his hands before him.

“Ah.” Dorian looked taken aback for a moment, but managed to collect himself quickly. Just surprise, Felix figured, nothing more. He tried not to be disappointed. “May I ask what changed your mind? Not that you need a reason.”

Felix had considered lying to Dorian, making up a crush or a lover, but in the end, Dorian was his best friend, too, and he deserved better than that.

“I’m in love with you. I think I need to step back before you do because otherwise it will be too hard to be around you. Eventually, you will find someone you like enough to stop what we are doing and I hope you will be happy with them. I still want to be your friend, then.”

Dorian stared at him like Felix had summoned a demon to keep them company, but only for a moment before a doubtful look flickered through his eyes, something almost careful, timid in a way Dorian very rarely was.

“That’s a good reason to stop sleeping with a man, I’ll give you that. But wouldn’t becoming my lover – my partner be another answer to your dilemma?” He stopped briefly but pushed on just as quickly, almost a verbal stumble. “I know it’s not the done thing where we come from, but we were always a little out of step, were we not?”

Felix remained silent. He’d put all the words he planned to say in order so carefully on the way back, but this variable had never popped up in his mind when he went through the conversation.

“But I thought you – what about the Iron Bull? The Inquisitor? You seemed so close.”

Dorian huffed.

“Have you met me, Felix? I flirt. I’m pretty sure I’ve even done it with Varric when I got particularly bored at camp. He’s decent at it! It doesn’t mean I want to compete with his crossbow.” Dorian reached out his hands to him, taking him by the wrists. “Bull and the Inquisitor are good men – don’t tell them I said that, it will go to their heads. But you’re the one in whose bed I was every night I was in Skyhold, in case you missed it.”

“That doesn’t need to mean anything, either,” Felix said, making fists out of his hands to stop an almost imperceptible shake.

“Between us, how couldn’t it, Felix? After everything?”

Felix freed his wrists to wrap his arms around Dorian’s neck and kissed him, impatient and overhasty, but Dorian’s mouth was already open for him. As he hugged Felix, his arms were so tight that he squeezed the air out of Felix’s lungs, for a moment losing all the demeanour of the smooth, measured seducer that Felix knew, and it made his heart hammer. He could have burst out laughing, he was so happy.

“So how did a decent young man like you end up falling for me?” Dorian teased when he released him. “I must be very good in bed.”

“It wasn’t very difficult,” Felix said as he took Dorian’s hand and sat down on the edge of the bed with him. “My mother had already brought quite a few apprentices to live with us, but none of them were as bright, passionate and engaging as you. I could listen to you go on for hours about thaumaturgy and feel like I knew all the amazing things you saw, even though I could never understand it the same way you do. Besides that, I don’t need to tell you that you have a way with people – they adore you, and so did I. Before I met you, I hadn’t even fully admitted to myself that I could feel for men as I did for women, but I fell for you even before we went to bed for the first time.”

Dorian looked perplexed.

“Maker, that was sappy.”

“You asked,” Felix just said with a shrug.

“Oh, yes I did. I think I could get used to you praising me like that. I will ask more often!”

He ducked his head to place a kiss on Felix’s neck, just above the hem of the uniform collar. It grew a little firmer before Dorian broke off abruptly.

“I guess I should not leave you marked on the first evening,” he murmured. “People might have questions.”

Felix had lived in Tevinter for long enough to know why Dorian looked so hopeful at the prospect of putting a claim on his man which Felix would not deny.

“If you have no other lovers here, there would be no problem with that, right?” he said.

“True,” Dorian answered and smiled widely before leaning closer, pushing Felix down on the bed. “And I’ll make sure we really have a story to tell tomorrow if they ask.”

Laughing, Felix closed him in his arms.


End file.
